


Roasting Spiders

by verybi_verytired



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack (Kind Of...), Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, I don't know what to tag this as its just supposed to be cute and funny, Iron Dad, Irondad, M/M, Swearing, Twitter, Twitter Fic, no editing or betas we die like men, um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 09:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verybi_verytired/pseuds/verybi_verytired
Summary: Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:the real tea? @StickyBoy is everyones least favoriteSbider-Man @StickyBoy:???Peter With A B @PeterParkour:@KillerPotatoGun damn you rightSbider-Man @StickyBoy:??????





	Roasting Spiders

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [well done gays](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17743757) by [thesecretsoftheuniverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecretsoftheuniverse/pseuds/thesecretsoftheuniverse). 



> This is... pointless? Completely pointless? It was a dumb idea I had and couldn't sleep till I wrote it last night. Its dumb, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I don't plan on ever writing another Twitter fic lmfao this was harder to do than I thought it would be
> 
> This is pretty much just Peter and Harley messing with the public, by making fun of Spider-Man and saying he's Tony's least favorite son.

_February 2 nd _

**TMZ @TMZ:**

NYC’s favorite superhero and dad spotted out and about with new daughter! _*picture of Tony carrying Morgan around and being a cute dad*_

 **>** **Tony Stark** **@** **IronMan** **:**

  “Favorite superhero” – If I knew all it would take to get everyone my side was to be a total Dad™ I would have told you all about my 3 sons ages ago

>> **stark stan @tonystank:**

     ????? sONS????

**> >> Tony Stark @IronMan:**

        Yeah? I’ve been seen with them all over the place over the last few years?

**> >>>stark stan @tonystank:**

           WAIT WHAT

 

**Tony Stark @IronMan:**

Yes, I have 3 sons. No, none of them are mine biologically.

 

**Tony Stark @IronMan:**

I figured everyone at least knew about @PeterParkour and @StickyBoy since every tabloid in NYC has pics of me with them.

 

**Tony Stark @IronMan:**

@KillerPotatoGun is the other one. He’s usually out of state with his family so there aren’t as many pics of me and him floating around.

 

_February 3 rd_

**Tony Stark @IronMan:**

I gotta say it’s a bit concerning how invested you all in my kids. Do I need to remind you all who I am?

 

**Tony Stark @IronMan:**

Some of the shit people say makes me want to never let my kids out in public ever again. I’m glad social media wasn’t a thing when I was a kid.

**> Tony Stark @IronMan:**

  Not so gentle reminder that all 4 of my kids are underage and I have an army of suits I’m not afraid to use.

**> >May Parker @PetersBiggestFan:**

      It’s me and Pepper that people should be worrying about, not you. I will not hesitate to defend my kids.

**> >> Pepper Potts @StarkCEO:**

         Don’t worry – I already have our legal team looking into some of the worse comments :)

**> >>>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

           getting ready to deal with the creeps talking about me and my siblings :))) _* brief clip of him training with @blackwidow_ _and @whitewolf_ _*_

 

_March 18 th _

**TMZ @TMZ:**

Tony Stark Playing Favorites?

* link to an article about multiple interviews where Tony saying he has 2 sons, not 3 *

**> Tony Stark @IronMan:**

    You say 2 sons instead of 3 in an interview a few times and suddenly everyone thinks you hate one of your kids. smh

 

**Stark Fan @starkisdaddy:**

@PeterParkour @KillerPotatoGun @StickyBoy someone spill the tea on whos tonys least fav

 **>** **Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

  lmao everyone knows harley is tonys least fave

**> >Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

     youre talking shit about me and you didn’t even @ me? weak

**> >>Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

        the real tea? @StickyBoy is everyones least favorite

**> >>>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

           ???

**> >>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

             @KillerPotatoGun damn you right

**> >>>>>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

                ??????

 

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy you know what you did

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

  no? I dont??

 

_retweeted by StickyBoy:_

**spiderfam @spideyfan23:**

spidey has never done anything wrong ever :/

 

_March_ _19_ _th_

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@NYCWallrawler leaves webs all over the house and its gross af :/

**> Jake @spideymen:**

lol

 

_March 28 th _

**Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

@NYCWallrawler cant cook for shit and he made the whole building smell like burnt toast last night :/

**> Guy@InTheChair**

  spidey: saves the city by himself. also spidey: burns water

**> >Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

     IT WAS ONE TIME

 

_April 4_ _th_

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy forgets to close the window when he goes out at night and its cold tonight :/

**> Tony Stark @IronMan:**

  You know you can just ask FRIDAY to close the window right? And she can heat the whole building almost instantly?

**> >Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

     @IronMan thATS NOT THE POINT

 

_April_ _10_ _th_

**Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

@StickyBoy forgets he has super strength when hes tired and breaks shit

**> Tony Stark @iamIronMan:**

   You need new phone?

**> >Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

     I need new phone

 

_April 17 th _

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy constantly makes shitty puns about being bi :/

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

  You?? Do the same thing???

**> >Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

     but my puns arent ~SPIDER THEMED~

 

**SPIDER MAN IS BI? @potts4preident:**

SPIDERMAN IS BI?

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

  I literally wore a bi flag to pride this year? My name is Sbider-Man on here?

>> **SPIDER MAN IS BI! @potts4pre** **sident** **:**

     asdkjsfjl that was actually you?!?

 

**Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

no cops at pride just me

**> NYPD @NYPDOfficial:**

  Spider-Man, no…

**> >Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

     SPIDER-MAN YES

 

_April 24 th _

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy can talk to spiders. thats why his hair is so big – its full of spider secrets

**> Clint @hawkeye:**

  No he can’t? He can barely talk to people lol.

**> >Bread is God @godisbread:**

    if thats a lie, what other things have y’all been lying about

**> >>Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

        ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**Clint @hawkeye:**

@StickyBoy webs peoples shit to the ceiling when hes mad at them and its fucking annoying.

**> Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

  hes out there doing the lords work

**> >Clint @hawkeye:**

    What the hell kid?

**> >>Clint @hawkeye:**

        Why did I just get pelted with potatoes? I’m pretty sure thats gonna bruise.

**> >>>Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

           only Pete and I can talk shit about spidey bitch

 

_May 6 th _

**Tony Stark @IronMan:**

For the record, I don’t hate Spider-Man, or any of my kids. Please stop saying I do?

**> Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

   what about that time that he changed the names of all of fridays protocols to make fun of you?

**> >Tony Stark @IronMan**

     I want to be mad about it but I’m just so proud that he managed to hack into her and change the names without her alerting me to it.

**> >>Tonys 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

        youre no fun. stop being such a good dad and play along.

 

_May 13_ _th_

**Spidey-News @SpideyNewsDaily:**

Spider-Mans Has a New Flame? _*picture of Spider-Man and Johnny Storm kissing*_ (link to article)

**> Johnny @FlameOn:**

  Shit

**> >Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

     Oops

**> >>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

        :(((

**> >>>Susan Storm @Invisible:**

           Johnny what did you do...

 

**The Daily Bugle @DailyBugle:**

Spider-Menace A Homewrecker? _*picture of the kiss, next to a picture of Peter and Johnny on a date*_ (link to article)

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

  Oops? It’s not what it looks like?

**> >Tony Stark @IronMan:**

     Kid, you’re a PR nightmare, did you know that?

 

**Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

I’m gonna fight @StickyBoy in a Denny’s parking lot

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

   please dont :(

**> >Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

     square up bitch (ง •̀_•́)ง

**> >>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

        You okay kid?

**> >>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

          ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**its shuri bitch @WakandianPrincess:**

@PeterParkour let those losers have each other and get you a princess (^_−) ❤

**> Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

  ( ˘ ³˘)❤

**> >Johnny @FlameOn:**

      :/

**> >>its shuri bitch @WakandianPrincess:**

        ✌(-‿-)✌

 

_May 22 st_

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy needs to stop getting stabbed and hiding it from everyone? Youre going to give us all a heart attack one day

**> Avengers Assemble @slut4avengers:**

  IS HE OKAY?

**> >Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

      Unfortunately :/

 

_June 6 st_

**Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

if @StickyBoy doesnt shut up and let me study i may be forced to take drastic measures

**> Tony Stark @IronMan:**

   Stop blaming him for you choosing to put off studying.

**> >Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

      Thanks dad :)

**> >>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

       lol i can blame him for whatever i want to

**> >>>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

          Why did I want kids…

 

_June 19_ _th_

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

*compilation video of never seen before Spider-Man fails*

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

  *I can’t believe you’ve done this vine*

 

_July 1_ _st_

**Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

happy birthday canada

**> Deadpool @spideysbiggestfan:**

  thanks bby boy ;)

**> >Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

     wade stop flirting with me I hve a boyfriend :/

**> >>Deadpool @spideysbiggestfan:**

       @FlameOn can join in if he wants ;)

**> >>>Johnny @FlameOn:**

          ;)

**> >>>>Deadpool @spideysbiggestfan:**

             ;)

**> >>>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

               wade you can do much better than spidey tbh

>>>>>>> **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

                  rude :/

**> >>>>>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

                     tru tho

**> >>>>>>>>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

                       *dont be fucking rude gif*

**> >>>>>>>>>Deadpool @spideysbiggestfan:**

                         this is so amusing to watch ngl

**> >>>>>>>>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

                             ;)

**> >>>>>>>>>>>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

                               ;)

 

_July 4 th_

**Tony Stark @IronMan**

Happy Birthday Captain America ;)

**> Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica:**

  Thanks Tony :)

>> **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

     ew :/

**> >>Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica:**

        Still, kid?

>>>> **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

          lol. ‘still’??? you know what you did.

**> >>>>Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica:**

             I didn’t know it was yours! I bought you more! I apologized!

 **> >>>>>** **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

               not! good! Enough!

**> >>>>>>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

                  Kid, stop holding a grudge over some ice cream.

 **> >>>>>>>** **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

                     stay out of this old man

**> >>>>>>>>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

                       If Morgan is half as hard to deal with as you and your siblings I’m not gonna survive.

 

_July 19_ _th_

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy – bitch

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

   blocked :/

 **> >** **Tonys 2** **nd** **Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

     wait! unblock me! i gotta tell you something important!

**> >> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

       …. unblocked.

 **> >>>** **Tonys 2** **nd** **Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

          BITCH

**> >>>>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

             For once can you two trend worldwide for a good reason and not some stupid shit like this?

 

_July 30_ _th_

**Tonys 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@StickyBoy is such a dumbass lmfao. Good thing dads not home this weekend 😂

> **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

   lmfao I know

**> >Tony Stark @IronMan**

     What the hell did you do this time?

>>> **Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

       Nothing!

**> >>>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

          Harley what did he do?

**> >>>>Tony’s 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

             i aint no snitch :/

**> >>>>>Tony Stark @IronMan:**

               Fine. I’ll ask FRIDAY. Baby girl, what did they fuck up this time?

**> >>>>>>FRIDAY @AIFRIDAY:**

                  Sorry Boss, but the ‘Snitches Get Stitches’ protocol has been activated. I am unable to talk about anything that happened or is happening in the lab, unless someone is hurt or dying :)

**> >>>>>>>Tony Stark @ IronMan:**

                    I want to be madder about this, but the coding involved in setting this up is impressive. We will all be having a nice chat when I get home though :) :) :)

**> >>>>>>>>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

                       shit

**> >>>>>>>>>>Tony’s 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

                            fuck.

 

_August 5_ _th_

**Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

anyone interested in an identity reveal in 5 days? *selfie of spidey on top of a very tall building*

**> Flash @fasterthanaspeedingbullet:**

   FUCK YES

**> > Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

    lmfao youll be in for a shock.

**> >>Flash @fasterthanaspeedingbullet:**

       ??? I CANT WAIT

**> >>>MJ @dontcallmemj:**

          lolololololol

**> >>>>Guy @InTheChair:**

             lolololololol

 

_August 7_ _th_

**The Daily Bugle @DailyBugle:**

Spider-Man To Reveal Identity in 3 Days. Will He Be Taking Responsibility For The Suffering He Has Caused? (link to article)

**> Jessi @RawMeVenom:**

   Fuck Off :)

 

**Super Buzzfeed @SuperBuzzfeed:**

With the Spider-Man Identity Reveal™ coming in just 3 days, we’ve put together a list of people we think are most likely to be Spidey! (link to list)

**> Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

   its actually kind of sad how shitty this list is. you didnt even come close lol

**> >Super Buzzfeed @SuperBuzzfeed:**

     :(

**> >>Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

        :)

 

_August 9_ _th_

**Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

TOMORROW!

**> Captain of my Heart @CapRox:**

   Nice. But isn’t tomorrow your brother birthday? Maybe you are just as shitty as the bugle says, stealing the spotlight on his birthday.

**> >Sbider-Man @StickyBoy:**

     trust me, he doesn’t mind - he hates the spotlight.

**> >>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

        tru. Id rather die than have a huge party or something.

**> >>>Its shurti bitch @WakandianPrincess:**

          then perish cause its too late to cancel the party now bb

 

_August 10_ _th_

**Spidey-News @SpideyNewsDaily:**

Spider-Man Revealed To Be PETER PARKER. (link to article)

 

**The Daily Bugle @dailybugle:**

Spider-Mence Actually Stark’s Adopted Son: Was He forced Into It To Further Stark’s World Take Over Plan? (link to article)

 

**TMZ @TMZ:**

Peter Parker – Spider-Man – Spotted Leaving Press Conference With Adopted Family and Aunt. (link to article)

 

**Super Spotters @SuperSpotterDaily:**

Peter Parker Seen Hand in Hand with Superhero Boyfriend Johnny Storm At Birthday Brunch *picture of them holding hands*

 

**Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

Surprise? *picture of him without his mask, standing sideways on a glass building. Picture was obviously taken by Johnny or Tony because it shows his whole body*

**> Flash @fasterthanaspeedingbullet:**

   No.

**> >Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

     lol

**> >>Flash @fasterthanaspeedingbullet:**

        I refuse to believe it.

**> >>> Flash @fasterthanaspeedingbullet:**

          PENIS PARKER CAN NOT BE SPIDER-MAN

**> >>>> Johnny @FlameOn:**

             what did you just call my boyfriend?

**> >>>>>Flash @fasterthanaspeedingbullet:**

               NOTHING. SORRY. IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

 

**MJ @dontcallmemj:**

@PeterParkour how you managed to hide it for so long is beyond me lmao

**> Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

   I know right lol

 _*half the people from their school comment with things_ peter _has done at school that made it obvious he's spidey*_

 

**Guy @InTheChair:**

@PeterParkour so? Are you an avenger now??

**> Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

   you mean be on a team with @CaptainAmerica? Ew no.

**> >Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica:**

     Still??? What do I need to do to make you forgive me? I’ll do anything :(

**> >>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

        THEN PERISH

**> >>> Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica:**

           *Guess I’ll Die shrug meme*

**> >>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

             Omg

**> >>>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

                did you just use a meme? correctly? Holy shit.

**> >>>>>>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

                  I forgive you

 

**Tony’s 2 nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

@PeterParkour im surprised no one has pointed out that you were roasting yourself for months lmfao

**> Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

   lmao I know.

 

**tony stark @isahoe:**

@PeterParkour @KillerPotatoGun youve been playing us for months :O

**> Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

   honestly im surprised people didn’t realize im spidey sooner lol. We werent sure if roasting spidey was making it more obvious or throwing everyone off.

**> >Tony’s 2nd Favorite @KillerPotatoGun:**

     if that buzzfeed article is anything to go on we threw em off – you werent even on the list lmfao

**> >>Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

        Im still kind of salty about that tbh :/

 

**Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

Fun Fact: my whole decathlon team knew, except for @fasterthanaspeedingbullet, because im horrible at hiding things from people im close to 😂

 

**Heros @HerosBlog:**

Wait? So there was never a fight between Spider-Man, Peter Parker, and Johnny Storm? And Peter ISN’T dating Princess Shuri? And how does Deadpool fit into all this?

> **Peter With A B @PeterParkour:**

  Me and @FlameOn are going strong as ever – there was never a fight. Wade is a sweetheart but he’s like a brother to me. And Shuri is too good for literally everyone, except maybe MJ lmfao.

** >>MJ @dontcallmemj: **

    god I wish

** >>>its shuri bitch @WakandianPrincess: **

        what peter said is true and he should say it ;)

** >>>>Tony’s 2  nd  Favorite @KillerPotatoGun: **

          *wipes tear* my real life otp

** >>>>> Guy @InTheChair: **

              big mood

 

**S-bi-der-Man @stickyboystan:**

@PeterParkour but like… are you okay? Cause dude you were pretty into roasting yourself…

** >Peter With A B @PeterParkour: **

   Oh would you look at the time! I have a family movie night to get to!

 

**KAREN @ComputerMom:**

Hello! I’m Peter’s AI. Peter would like me to inform you that he will do a Q&A Tomorrow afternoon. He is going to spend the night with his family while things cool down, and is definitely not running from uncomfortable questions!

 

**KAREN @ComputerMom:**

Apparently I was not meant to tell you all that last part. Oops!

**Author's Note:**

> If you read all the way to the end, you deserve a cookie lmfao.
> 
> If you liked it maybe give me a Kudos and let me know in the comments!


End file.
